Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Our freshman year of college, my roommate, Lara, and I decided to put magazine pictures of hot men on our dorm room door. I think one of them was a Calvin Klein "Obsession" model and another might have been an underwear model. I can't remember for sure, (although I know one of us has pictures somewhere) but what I do remember is that I took down one of the pictures Lara originally put up on the door and re-cut it with scissors and put it back on the door the way I wanted it, saying that it wasn't straight or that it didn't look right. At the time I was sure I had every right to straighten up those pictures in a way that I thought would look better, but I soon found out that what I had done was actually offensive to Lara, which took me greatly by surprise. This was probably the first of many important and difficult lessons I learned about how to actually get along with other people. I can only imagine Lara's surprise that the girl who couldn't seem to keep her side of the room in any sort of order had a cow about how things appeared on our door. How does a person manage to be super laid back and nonchalant about some aspects of her life and freakishly anal about other aspects of it? I have been told by people who care about astrology that I have a taurus sun, but have virgo rising, meaning that the core of my personality (sun sign) is that I am down to earth and relaxed, yet the way I choose to present myself to the world (rising sign) is as a perfectionist. Though I don't put much stock in astrology in general, I have to say, I think this is pretty true of me. As a musician I can tell you I would never go into a performance situation presenting anything less than what I think is a perfect performance, yet on a day to day basis, I can't manage to practice regularly or keep up with remembering when auditions are held or keep my bio and headshot somewhere memorable so that I know where they are when I need to send them out, unless I'm surrounded by others who constantly remind me that's what I need to do because that's what they are doing. And I think that's why I spend most of my time in hiding -- because I figure somehow that if I show up in public I need to be put together and present myself well, but since I'm hardly ever that way, I need to just not show up. There are a number of people who actually think I am someone who is very organized and has everything together in my life. These are people who don't see me very often, like my voice teacher in Madison. You have to know me really well, I guess, to know about the chaos in the center of my life, because I like to make sure to present my illusion of perfection on the outside as much as possible.