Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Limbo Land

So, Saturday morning, after my landlord showed about a dozen eager people my apartment, I had coffee with a visiting singer friend from Boston and then taught voice lessons for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. Sunday morning I sang the 8:30 mass bright and early and then took a leisurely walk and ended up at my favorite San Franciscan bookstore, Green Apple Books, where I purchased two DVDs, *Les Parapluies de Cherbourg* and *Take the Money and Run*, with a gift card my father gave me for my birthday. While I was there, I ran into two friends of a friend who were headed to Golden Gate Park and asked if I would like to join them. For the first time in a really long time, I couldn't think of a single reason why not (yay!), so I did. We road a surrey with a fringe on top (no lie), loafed on a blanket in the sun for a long while, and then made and ate southwestern pumpkin veggie burgers (which were delicious) and watched *Mad Men*. It was a really relaxing and fun day. Monday morning I felt like I should start packing, but I felt really, really tired and very lightheaded (probably because of the sun and alcohol from the day before) and wasn't able to generate enough energy to do anything but watch about a dozen episodes of *30 Rock*.

This morning I feel acutely aware that this is the first official work day on which I will not be going to my old office, nor need any excuse as to why I'm not going to the office, in over three and a half years. I have found myself several times this past weekend wondering things like, "Did I remember to tell them about X?" or "Did I remember to put Y back in the right folder?". I suppose in time I'll be able to let go of my connection to the job and feelings of responsibility and worry, but it hasn't happened yet.

This transition time is proving to be a little more challenging than I had expected it to be. My plan right now is to move to Syracuse for a while, check in on how things are going with my mom and see if I can help out in any way, and in a matter of one month or two make the decision to stay in Syracuse or move to Boston or New York City so I can live close enough to home to visit with some regularity. But, instead of packing, I've found myself burning for more certainty about what I'm going to actually do exactly. Shouldn't I maybe just put my belongings into a storage unit in San Francisco until I figure out what I'm doing? No. Shouldn't I start looking for an office job in Boston and at least rent out a sublet for the month of August? No. Shouldn't I make appointments with some choral contractors in New York City? Maybe... No. Not yet. Shouldn't I start thinking about going back to school to finish my DMA? I don't know... I am feeling very uncertain about everything, but why should that stop me from packing up my things?


Scott said...

Sounds like you're at least feeling confident in your decision to enter limbo land, and that's a great place to start! Also, I adore (and own myself) Les Parapluies de Cherbourg... yay!

Pam said...

You're one of the few people I know who also adores that movie! It's so wonderful!